Once upon a time I knew I was never going to be the same. I knew I had this illness, and for a long time I knew I wouldn’t get better, permanently. One day I was working, and felt sick, so I had called in to work to take the day off. I hurried and tried to remedy my situation, but nothing but time did the trick. I needed to step back. Despite the career-driven and motivated young woman I was, I needed to step back. Did I blame myself at all? The answer to that is yes. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to make money the way everyone else did, and not give a single thought of my illness. But, inevitably, the illness found me first. I knew I had to give myself a rest and slowly work my way back up to recovery. Sad, it seems, but I know I need to understand my world, a world where mental instability is always going to be present.
I know that deep down inside I will always have something to turn me away from that scary feeling I get when I am not on top. It's miraculous that someone with a mental illness can dig deep and on their own find remedies without turning to outward advice. Maybe one day we all will find that special something that will always be there when we need it the most. I’m scared that one day my life may never be the same, and I could lose everything. But in due time these things come to pass and I am never left alone, thankfully.
It's all about balance. I cannot be Marie when Marie is doing everything but taking care of herself. She needs to be around positive influences and people who understand that really, her illness will always be predominant in her life and she is trying to remedy everyday of her life to the best that she can. I can be myself, yes, but in the long run it isn't going to be easy, and it never has. I pull through every time but sometimes I lose all hope, and that is when I know I need my space, my belief system that never shifts, and people who surround me with happiness and productivity.
I'm in a way sorry for all the things I wasn't able to do when I was so sick. I feel bad that I couldn't turn back time and relive those moments when mental freedom could have been mine to keep, but instead, God had a much different path for me, which I would not have changed at all. In retrospect, my life would have been more of a burden if I didn't leave the space I was in and turn around and walk away. I walked away from all of that, because I needed to. Nothing would have saved me except for my own selfless ways. There was a burden in my heart every day for seven years and it is not until now that I can feel like I control the steering wheel. No longer will I doubt my capabilities, I can act and action makes things easier rather than just wishing one's life away.
I know I can be happy one day without having my illness affect what I love to do the most. In the end, however, mental freedom will only be by chance. We cannot change the fact that we have it, and so life may take us into unexpected places and we are left with ourselves, and whatever we need to take with us in order to recover.
Wellness is possible. Remember we are all able.
-Marie
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