Relaxation Techniques

When I first went to CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) Winnipeg nearing the end of 2005 and into 2006, I had returned to work at a restaurant (as a cook and a dishwasher) that I had worked at during my University years. This was quite depressing since I was highly educated but paid barely above minimum wage, and I could not make ends meet without using extensive amounts of credit cards.

Fortunately, I was enabled by my CMHA Winnipeg Rehabiliation and Recovery worker to successfully obtain employment with the Province of Manitoba as an Internal Auditor which soon led to a promotion two years later to Internal Audit Project Leader. What joy that was to obtain that job role!

But, along the way, I needed to learn relaxation techniques that I still use periodically when required. These were quite numerous that I learned from my worker and she indicated that the techniques should be thought of as part of my tool kit.

My tool kit included practicing square breathing, listening to relaxing music, watching entertaining movies, stretching, organizing my home, eating a proper diet according to the Canada Food Guide and getting plenty of rest (both sleep and breaks). What a world of difference this made! I could finally distract my always busy mind by relaxing!

There are two final techniques that I used and continue to use when I find myself becoming too stressed (some stress is positive to motivate).

The first technique is remembering the story of the stone cutter. The stone cutter hits the stone for the 99th time and cannot believe the stone will not crack as needed to reveal the contents inside. He/she is about to give up, when he/she decides to give one final swing. Well, the 100th hit cracks the stone! This reveals that it wasn't the 100th blow alone that caused the stone to crack but that it took all 100 blows. The moral of the story is to break down big tasks into smaller tasks to manage more successfully towards an end goal, to realize that all activities done towards an end goal are important, and to never lose faith and to keep resiliency in the face of adversity no matter how badly discouraged and frustrated you get.

The other final technique is to visualize myself in the role that I will be playing. Athletes use this visualization of success in their athletic role to go through the mental motions. The physical motions then follow. If this visualization does not work (rare) then I visualize my former worker who provides me with encouragement. I can then move forward to accomplishment by managing my stress and completing whatever work is at hand.

For these last two techniques, in this perspective, anything is possible and I can do whatever subject matter I set my mind to.


David Albert Newman, CGA, CIA, ACCA (UK), B. Comm. (Hons.) with Distinction
"Anything is possible if we let our mind wander away from standardization towards creativity."
φ = π - 2^2/φ^2 + e

Submitted by Laurie Corzett

Too brite days
midnights that refuse to
abide dark and secret
when empty phrases chant
to fairytale Moons
I tell myself
This is no ordinary room
This is no fleeting flittering life
This is a magical passageway
sparkling like mica, like miracles

Quiet traces
luminescent impression
a trailing kite tail binds
silent whimpers, sojourning whispers,
tears shining behind mime smiles

Crone's gnarled fingers, playing
to spite agony
simulate touch
beyond ache,
too brite cell,
crouching scarred shadow
I cast silhouette of metamagic gypsy
hand
offering

Laurie Corzett - libramoon42@mindspring.com
http://emergingvisions.blogspot.com

A Note about the Canadian Health Care System and Beyond: Treatment Quality Primary, Quantity Secondary

By David Albert Newman
August 3, 2010

This post discusses a very strong point of interest of mine: quality over quantity health care treatment.

This article shows the Canadian Medical Association (CMA) advocating pay for performance based upon quantity of patients treated.

A piece rate system (pay for performance) based upon the QUANTITY of patients treated is NOT a good solution. That rewards expedient performance. That is the problem with the current health care system: patients are treated TOO quickly by doctors when they finally see them after waiting for too long and the patient ends up with suboptimal care.

The solution: pay for QUALITY of CARE measured by LESS FREQUENT follow up appointments and/or fewer hospitalizations from conditions that could have otherwise been treated sooner or better.

Quality over quantity better manages the health care operations bottleneck: waiting times. I have studied this in my MBA Operations Management course about queuing theory and line balancing to manage the bottleneck by adding resources to equalize a system flow.

We need to adopt a new model of health care that I have coined: Think. Consult. Reflect. Act. (TCRA).

Doctors rely too much upon their own knowledge and skill rather than consulting a peer for his or her thoughts and a second opinion. That is extremely rare in professions.

The consult may take more time up front BUT in the long run the patient may recover with fewer repeat contact points to the health care system.

This is important since while many doctors think they are infallible, they are like the rest of us: they make mistakes AND their mistakes are often more serious due to the nature of their work of treating human beings who are ill, either acutely or chronically, and who may be getting worse.

It's time to change the culture of doctors to REQUIRE that they consult UNLESS IF and ONLY IF the diagnosis and treatment is very routine.

The current system BEFORE a negative change to a piece rate system of pay for performance relates to my poor health care treatment when I had ulcerative colitis in my mid-teens that almost killed me (I went to hospital at 98 lbs at 5' 10" tall and I was there for a week or so). This family physician not only did not diagnose my ulcerative colitis, he provided medication that moved food through my body faster since he thought I had an ulcer. That exacerbated the already chronic diarrhea that was dehydrating me and leading to my rapid weight loss. Thus, he broke the rule of non-malfeasance in the duty of care for me as the patient.

As for my mental health care, I was diagnosed incorrectly during 2000. I can't recall if the doctor was a psychiatrist or a psychologist, but based upon talk therapy, he must have been a psychologist since psychiatrists rarely perform talk therapy; rather the psychiatrist is a pharmacologist toward mental illness treatment.

During 2000, the psychologist stated that my long dead grandmother did NOT have schizophrenia even though she had finally been diagnosed with schizophrenia by a very prominent Winnipeg psychiatrist when she was quite old; how can a subsequent psychologist make a differential diagnosis about a relative, my grandmother, who had been dead for years and then extrapolate to me that I also did not have schizophrenia even given my paranoid behaviours of my wall posters staring at me and persecuting me? I was treated for anxiety with medication that controls the heart rhythm. This too is an act that broke the rule of non-malfeasance in the duty of care for me as the patient.

That is a SERIOUS error since I suffered for 5 more years before being hospitalized three times during 2005 where I finally received the diagnosis of schizophrenia (with depression and anxiety as a result since I could not recover properly and I had no idea at the time before diagnosis what was wrong with my brain, along with the following reality). I had lost all jobs, I had no positive cash flow income, I almost lost my house, and I almost killed myself since I was highly suicidal. The EI system funds ran out and then they came back at me for not properly declaring the little side income I did earn in my poverty.

I would have been gone and not only my family and friends would have lost me; I believe in myself and my ideas and the world would have lost those too.

The underlying problem in my case for both the family physician and the psychologist: no peer consult and over confidence in their knowledge and skills to properly diagnose completely ignoring me, the patient, and the input from me and my family. The CMA does have one thing correct: the patient MUST be the center of care. That is the whole point of the health care system.

I think the Hippocratic Oath needs to be recalled by all medical doctors regardless if they are a general practitioner or a specialist. This patient was almost killed twice by insufficient and inappropriate medical treatment and it is not only my goal, it is my moral duty, to minimize that same occurrence for other patients who may be too ill to fight for their human rights of proper health care treatment in Canada and elsewhere in the world.

David Albert Newman, CGA, CIA, ACCA (UK), B. Comm. (Hons.) with Distinction

"Anything is possible if we let our mind wander away from standardization towards creativity."

Being Scene

‘The artists are reaching for something inside’



Being Scene is an art exhibition which showcases pieces by artists who have experience with mental health or addiction issues. It combines pieces from artists with formal training, as well as, those with no training at all.

The exhibition pieces do not follow a mental health theme, artists contribute whichever pieces they would like. Rather, this is an opportunity for artists who have faced mental health challenges to express themselves creatively and share their work with others.

This article on "Being Scene" appeared in Sunday's Globe and Mail.

Read article here

Mental health and the workplace: An experience

In her most recent video, 2010 Face of Mental Illness Marie Asuncion discusses managing your mental health while in the workplace.

"A brief experience with mental health and the workplace. See how you can handle mental health and having a full time job, and what you should do as a person with a disability to ensure you use your rights!
"

Watch Marie's video

Aron Firman's struggle

"Schizophrenia, drugs were his demons", by Morgan Ian Adams, appeared in The Barrie Examiner on July 23, 2010.

This article discusses Aron Firman who lived with schizophrenia and drug addiction. Sadly, he died from the use of a Taser during a confrontation with police officers after an altercation with another resident in the group home where Aron lived.

Four weeks after his death, his family is still trying to understand how this happened, and how it could have been prevented.

Do you think increased understanding of mental illness would have helped in this situation?


Read article

OPEN CASTING CALL - Manitoba

Hello MIAW friends and supporters.

2010 Face of Mental Illness Dr. Ted Jablonski is busy preparing for his 2010 SAD no more Canadian Tour this fall when he will cycle, run and speak across Canada to raise awareness about Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and inspire action to overcome it.

Ted needs your help!

Do you, or someone you know, have Seasonal Affective Disorder and want to share your story?

Be a part of Ted’s video project to raise awareness of SAD

If you live in Manitoba and want to share your story about living with Seasonal Affective Disorder, email and we will put you in contact with Ted to be part of his 2010 Sad no more tour video project.

OPEN CASTING CALL! Seeking – Male and Female participants, of any age, with Seasonal Affective Disorder, currently living in Manitoba. You don’t need to be a professional actor, just a real person, playing yourself and speaking honestly in your own words.

Find out more about Ted’s tour at www.SADnomore.ca

Thank you for supporting Ted and MIAW!

Dr. Ted Jablonski: SAD no more tour: Countdown to Departure!

2010 Face of Mental Illness, Dr. Ted Jablonski is about to kick off his SAD no more tour!

We wanted to share his message and ask for everyone's support in getting his message out. Please share this page with your friends and help us raise awareness of seasonal affective disorder and support Ted in his bike across Canada!

Hi everyone,

First of all, a big thanks for your ongoing support and involvement. We are truly grateful to all of you for your hard work on our behalf. Now the real FUN begins!

The SAD no more Canadian Tour 2010 start is less than 2 weeks away. The first event is a pre-tour promotional/educational event occuring at Fort Street Cycle in Victoria on Thursday July 29, 2010. There will be some education about SAD and inspiring talk as well as a silent auction of bikes and cycling accessories, tour merchandise and "dr j" musical memorabilia. Thereafter a bit of final preparations and the tour will start on August 1st at Mile 0.

The website is fully updated, all social media has been going for a while and a daily blog will be started very soon. TOUR SCHEDULE is now well displayed so no confusion about where I will be on any given day, the google map system will be deployed as the tour actually starts moving.

I am fully relying on each and every partner to promote this tour with the energy and excitment that it deserves.

Depending of the event, this is a unique opportunity for physicians, allied health care workers and the public to learn more about Seasonal MDD (SAD), hear a motivating story from an excellent and inspiring speaker :) and be part of a national Tour. There is much to be learned about this poorly understood mental health issue and hopefully many questions will be answered about the practical "nuts and bolts" of the condition. For the media, the story is much the same. This is an awareness to action campaign and in the broadest sense, public awareness of how to get started in making changes to improve overall health (physical and mental) and essentially be SAD no more. Akin to getting physicians out to CME events, the media will need cajoling, coaxing, prodding, etc to pick this up and hopefully everyone is up for the challenge of pushing hard to get the story out there.

Monique and I have been preparing for this tour for 2 years and you must know that much sweat and tears (not much blood has been shed yet) has gone into this project. We rely on you all to relay our dedication and enthusiasm to everyone "in the field" so that we can continue to gain attention and momentum as the tour kicks off and gets going across the country.

Thanks

Dr. Ted Jablonski, 2010 Face of Mental Illness

Filmmaker starves himself for three months

D'Arcy Mann starved himself for 100 days to raise awareness of the serious effects of mental illnesses such as anorexia and bulimia.

During the 100 days of this stunt, D'Arcy would limit food to half an apple for breakfast, a can of tuna for lunch, and the other half an apple for dinner.

"The 100 day project won’t likely change any minds of those who already have the anorexia demon inside them, as they often rationalize their behavior and lash out at anyone who tries to convince them otherwise. But I do hope it reaches out to people in the early stages and convince them that it’s just not worth it. Similarly I hope that people who have rationalized being overweight or even obese will take an introspective look and consider how they’re shortening their lives."

Visit D'Arcy's blog to learn more

The stigma of a “schizophrenic town”

“While at lunch July 12, 2010, I was reading a local Winnipeg newspaper that I enjoy very much. I read about the Winnipeg Blue Bombers of the CFL. The sports writer (and previously another sports writer and even the former head coach) have used the term “schizophrenic” when generalizing about how Winnipeg fans act with respect to the football team’s wins and losses (e.g. an up and down, love and hate relationship). A crime writer at the same newspaper has also used the label “schizophrenic” when writing about an individual charged with a crime. I have emailed all of these writers to correct them since it is my moral obligation/duty to fight for those individuals who have mental illnesses who may be currently too sick to defend themselves from labels, stigma, and discrimination.

From my learning during my time at CMHA Winnipeg Region within the Psychological-Social Rehabilitation and Recovery Program, there was a poster that sensitized me to the proper terms to politely use for individuals with mental illnesses. From this poster, it denoted that the label “schizophrenic” is inappropriate and in my view, the label is derogatory. The label “schizophrenic” is derogatory since it generalizes and discriminates. It does so since it assumes that the mental illness governs the entire person when this is clearly not the case. It also creates stigma and it makes recovery harder if we label individuals.

I pose an interesting question: would you label someone with MS a Multiple Sclerosic?

Both are brain illnesses; schizophrenia a neurotransmitter imbalance and negative social experience mental illness with social behavioural positive and negative symptoms, multiple sclerosis a neuron brain illness with demyelization of the neural myelin sheath creating lesions and symptomatic physical pain, and both balance and vision problems.

Thus, to me, there is no place in the human vocabulary for a label such as “schizophrenic”. I communicated this to the local newspaper and they changed the wording to say “fickle”. However, it has left an impression with the general public again since the print version cannot be changed and the online version was read by probably many readers before I caught it at my lunch hour. One reader commented that they liked the reference to “schizophrenic” while another reader commented similar to how I have in terms of inappropriate use.

The “schizophrenic” label use is problematic since the use of labels perpetuates stigma and misunderstanding of mental illness which leads to ignorance amid misconception. This is why Mental Illness Awareness Week is so important: we must educate the general public and health care practitioners about what mental illness stigma and discrimination both are, how to minimize these, and what steps are needed to move from that understanding beyond tolerance to acceptance and finally respect. Those end goals of understanding, tolerance, acceptance, and finally respect are human rights issues.

Schizophrenia is not just a severely debilitating mental illness and I had to actually make this clear in a recent survey by the Schizophrenia Society of Canada upon how they should focus their public awareness efforts. Schizophrenia provides the very strong gift of creativity to the individual. This is a very unique ability that those individuals without schizophrenia do not have as strongly since the person with schizophrenia can often see patterns and make neural connections that others do not see or hear. Therefore, schizophrenia is both a disability and an ability. It all depends upon our point of view.”

- David Albert Newman

Marie's vlog: Cognitive Therapy

2010 Face of Mental Illness Awareness Week, Marie Asuncion, shares some very valuable information about cognitive therapy and her experiences with it.

Watch Marie's vlog!

Steps to recovery and mental freedom: Part 2: Marie Asuncion

Once upon a time I knew I was never going to be the same. I knew I had this illness, and for a long time I knew I wouldn’t get better, permanently. One day I was working, and felt sick, so I had called in to work to take the day off. I hurried and tried to remedy my situation, but nothing but time did the trick. I needed to step back. Despite the career-driven and motivated young woman I was, I needed to step back. Did I blame myself at all? The answer to that is yes. I wanted to be perfect. I wanted to make money the way everyone else did, and not give a single thought of my illness. But, inevitably, the illness found me first. I knew I had to give myself a rest and slowly work my way back up to recovery. Sad, it seems, but I know I need to understand my world, a world where mental instability is always going to be present.

I know that deep down inside I will always have something to turn me away from that scary feeling I get when I am not on top. It's miraculous that someone with a mental illness can dig deep and on their own find remedies without turning to outward advice. Maybe one day we all will find that special something that will always be there when we need it the most. I’m scared that one day my life may never be the same, and I could lose everything. But in due time these things come to pass and I am never left alone, thankfully.

It's all about balance. I cannot be Marie when Marie is doing everything but taking care of herself. She needs to be around positive influences and people who understand that really, her illness will always be predominant in her life and she is trying to remedy everyday of her life to the best that she can. I can be myself, yes, but in the long run it isn't going to be easy, and it never has. I pull through every time but sometimes I lose all hope, and that is when I know I need my space, my belief system that never shifts, and people who surround me with happiness and productivity.

I'm in a way sorry for all the things I wasn't able to do when I was so sick. I feel bad that I couldn't turn back time and relive those moments when mental freedom could have been mine to keep, but instead, God had a much different path for me, which I would not have changed at all. In retrospect, my life would have been more of a burden if I didn't leave the space I was in and turn around and walk away. I walked away from all of that, because I needed to. Nothing would have saved me except for my own selfless ways. There was a burden in my heart every day for seven years and it is not until now that I can feel like I control the steering wheel. No longer will I doubt my capabilities, I can act and action makes things easier rather than just wishing one's life away.

I know I can be happy one day without having my illness affect what I love to do the most. In the end, however, mental freedom will only be by chance. We cannot change the fact that we have it, and so life may take us into unexpected places and we are left with ourselves, and whatever we need to take with us in order to recover.

Wellness is possible. Remember we are all able.

-Marie

Steps to recovery and mental freedom: Part 1: Marie Asuncion

Whenever I used to get sick, the feeling would be so strong that my mind would begin to wander into places that were so dark, it was depressing. I had lost all my friends during high school, and now as an adult, I pick and choose who I decide to let be my friend, because in a way I need to protect myself. Having a mental illness is something that we as people have to manage on our own and on our own time. You can't expect to be cured when you are constantly busy and have too much on your plate. Recovery takes time so one has to be sure of the necessary precautions they need to take before they feel wellness.

I remember as an adolescent I used to pray a lot. Prayer was my outlet. I could go and pray and the next day I would know that I was being looked after, even during the worst of times. God was a pivotal figure in my life and has helped me recover. My faith has grown ever since, but I am not afraid to share my story, especially with God being the main reason I am better today.

I use certain remedies to help me feel better when I get symptoms. I use my brain, first of all, despite that there is a chemical imbalance I find ways to change the situation and strive to be a perfectionist at it. If I don't know my brain, then it isn't going to co-operate with me. What do I need? Is it medication? Is it time off from work? I let my mind tell my body what it needs, and go from there.

A technique I use a lot is cognitive behaviour therapy. I have read countless resources that I have memorized in the past, so that when I feel confused, or upset, cognitive therapy is one way I can stop the negative thinking; I do this by pulling a plug, so to say. Pulling a plug and letting the negativity drain. This metaphor is perfect since it's what I try to make myself think when I am mentally "stuck". We all have our ways of mentally worrying ourselves. The only thing is that for mentally ill people, worrying can be detrimental to their health. Any little stressor can rock the boat, even sink it. The main goal is to think positive and not to be afraid when failure comes, because it will come, we'll just have to be okay with that.

-Marie

Mike's Story: Part 5

By May 2005 my sore was healed but I was so skinny all my bones were showing. I had smoked so much weed and tobacco my muscles were withering away, so the doctor at the rehab hospital admitted me for a six-week period. I spent most of the time over the first two weeks lying in bed thinking about my life and how it all seemed to be centred around tobacco and marijuana. My mom suggested I should use the opportunity of being hospitalized to stop smoking marijuana since it wasn’t doing me any good. I thought back about the times when my brother would rip me off or how I would crave it so badly when I couldn’t have it. I decided that I didn’t want to be a slave to it any longer.

The psychologist at the rehab visited me and for the first time I accepted that I had a problem. I told him what happened to me and that I believed I was in hell for my sins. He taught me about mental illness and helped me understand that I had probably been suffering from a psychosis. We also talked about scriptures from the Bible – especially the ones about Jesus coming to the world to save sinners not to punish them. I believed him and for the first time in a long, long time I started feeling good about myself.

When I finished my six weeks in rehab, I decided it was time to do something with my life. I decided to go back to school to finish my high school education. After getting my diploma I took a peer support volunteer course. Now I spend a lot of my time at the rehab hospital visiting new patients and helping them cope with their injury and losses. I also decided to learn more about cannabis and psychosis. I learned that marijuana can trigger and worsen schizophrenia and other types of psychotic illnesses. I’ve learned about cannabinoids – the psychoactive chemicals that are found in the bloodstream after you smoke. I thought a lot about that night I broke my neck. The last thing I did before I snapped was that water bong. Knowing that has made me all the more determined to never ever smoke that stuff again. I’ve come to the conclusion that that night I had a psychotic episode triggered by marijuana use.

In October 2008 I also quit smoking cigarettes. I can now proudly say that I am addiction free. I continue to see the psychologist once or twice a week. I’m writing a book about my experiences. I can honestly say that right now I’m in the best mental shape of my life. I love speaking at the PARTY Program telling my story.

And that’s where I am at today. Even though living in a wheelchair is very difficult, I can honestly say that I very much prefer my life the way it is now – without drugs and knowing that I can do things to help others.


-Mike Parent

Jennifer's Blog

Jennifer Asawasegai is one of this year's Faces of Mental Illness.

She has just started her own blog and would like to invite you to visit it and learn about her personal experiences with mental illness.

Visit Jennifer's blog!

Michael Wilson among Order of Canada appointments

Lauded as a strong advocate for mental-health issues, former Canadian ambassador to the United States Michael Wilson is being invested in the Order of Canada as a companion.

Following a long career in politics and the financial sector, Mr. Wilson became a mental-health crusader after losing a son to depression and suicide. He started the Cameron Parker Holcombe Wilson Chair in Depression Studies at the University of Toronto and has worked with the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health in Toronto. He was first appointed as officer of the Order of Canada in 2003.

- Sarah Boesveld
Globe and Mail (excerpt)
Thursday, July 1, 2010.

Social media helping erase stigma of mental illnesses

Web-based forums talk openly about 'the elephant in the corner'

In an article by Gillian Shaw, the Vancouver Sun discusses the many ways social media is helping to reduce the stigma of mental illness by making it easier for those living with mental illness to share their stories in a comfortable environment.

"Once you start clueing people in, you find everybody has been touched by these things but it is the elephant in the corner and we are still not talking about it." Says Steffani Cameron, a blogger and a speaker at Mental Health Camp, on why it is easier to open-up about personal experiences online.

Read full article

Mike's Story: Part 4

When I was well enough to be transferred to Toronto Rehab’s Spinal Cord Program for six months of therapy I was fitted with a wheelchair – and for the first time in two months I was able to sit upright. The very first time I got up in my wheelchair I went outside for some fresh air and saw a man smoking a cigarette. Even though I had been tobacco-free for two months, I craved a smoke so strongly that I went up to this man and asked him if he would give me a cigarette. I was soon smoking almost as much as ever. Soon I became friends with another patient who always had marijuana and quickly resumed that habit as well. Any time I wanted to get high I would just approach him and we would go for a joint.

My life as a patient was very difficult emotionally. Some of the staff tried to talk to me to help me sort out my problems but I refused to talk to anybody about my feelings or the events leading up to my injury. I was living with depression and sometimes suicidal thoughts, thinking I was in hell and being punished for my sins. It was really scary.

I was finally discharged from rehab in October 2002. I spent the winter in a very bad depression. I didn’t want to talk to anybody or go anywhere. I just wanted to stay in my room by myself.

In March 2003 I developed a pressure sore on my tail bone. I don’t know how I got it, whether it was the chair or bed. It just appeared one day and it was really, really bad. I wasn’t allowed to get back into my wheelchair so I had to stay in bed 24/7. All I wanted to do was smoke weed and cigarettes. I ended up staying in bed for two years.

Mike's Story: Part 3

A few days later I was getting ready for bed around 1:30 a.m. Like I always did before going to bed, I smoked a water bong, which would usually put me to sleep right away. However, this time was different. After finishing the bong a strange feeling came over me. The next thing I knew I was I was in my dad’s room shaking his shoulder to wake him up. I said to him, “Let’s go to Israel.” I remember seeing fear in his face so I took my hands off him and left his room. Still dressed only in my underwear, I left our apartment and walked down the hallway, down the staircase and outside the building into the cold winter’s night. I walked across the street to the school yard and kept walking – straight into the school’s brick wall head first. I staggered backwards a couple of feet and then walked again into the wall, head first. A third time, I bowed my head and rammed into the wall. This time all I could do was fall onto the ground, unable to move. I remember lying there on the ground for a couple of minutes looking up into the black sky and thinking to myself, “Am I dead?” and yelling, “Oh God – no, no!” Everything went dark after that as I fell into a coma.

I don’t know how much longer I lay on the ground alone. Shortly after I had left my father’s room, my dad had gone looking for me around our building. He couldn’t find me so he went upstairs to wake my mom and call the police. The police checked around the building for about 45 minutes. They went up to the roof to check there and then headed back sown the stairs when they found I wasn’t up there. On the way down, my dad looked out a window of the stairwell and saw a light shining on the ground across the street, lighting up the top half of my body. Where that light came from was a mystery since there was no streetlight in the area and that part of the schoolyard is usually totally dark at night. The source of that light continues to
be a mystery to me and my family to this day.

I was rushed by ambulance to the hospital, where they found I had a broken neck, which left me quadriplegic (paralyzed in all four limbs). I came out of my coma three days later, which happened to be my 27th birthday. I couldn’t move a muscle. One of my lungs had collapsed and my other lung was on the verge of collapsing. A team of doctors ordered everyone out of the room. They thought I was going to die and called in a priest to give me my last rights. They hooked me up to a ventilator to keep me breathing. The doctors told my mom I would never again be able to move a muscle below my neck. So I lay in bed motionless with tubes down my throat for a month. One day I started getting twitches in my arms. I kept getting more and more movement until one day I was actually able to touch my nose to scratch it. That was like a dream come true!

They then took the breathing tubes out and gave me a forty-eight hour trial to see if I could keep breathing on my own. They put a hole in my throat – called a tracheotomy – which gives them access to my airways to suction out fluids to prevent me from getting pneumonia again. I passed the breathing test and was able to speak for the first time. When I was able to speak, a psychiatrist came into my room. He asked me what had happened to me. The only answer I could come up with was to say that God had done this to me as punishment for my sins. When he shook his head in disbelief, I felt angry and closed my eyes until he left the room. The psychiatrist diagnosed me as having a bipolar disorder and called my incident an “unexplained psychotic event.”

Mike's Story: Part 2

By the time I was 20 years old all my friends had either graduated or dropped out of school. My ability to play hockey was going down the drain so I dropped out too. I got fired from the gas station when they caught me stealing and then found a job at a moving company with one of my friends. But I soon lost that job too for not showing up for work after a night of partying. The times in between jobs were really tough since I didn’t have enough money to feed my cravings for marijuana and cigarettes. I found another job driving a truck. It was a good paying job. But I was spending $50 a week on cigarettes and $180 on marijuana. On Sundays I was also gambling on hockey and football and I was drinking a lot. My whole paycheque was going to feed my addictions. A few years later I lost that job as well because of too much partying.

In 2001 I took a job with a courier company delivering goods to dollar stores. My parents only wanted $50 a week from me for room and board; the rest went to my addictions. One day I got pulled over by the police and got a ticket for not wearing a seat belt. It was only a $100 fine but I never managed to spare the money to pay it. Shortly before Christmas that year I got a notice in the mail telling me my license had been suspended. I lost my job as a result. The first thing I did after collecting my last paycheque was buy a carton of cigarettes. Then I gave my mom $50 and I took another $140 to buy marijuana. All I had left was $80 to buy Christmas gifts for my entire family. It wasn’t enough so I used the money to gamble on football – which of course I lost. That New Year of 2002 I found myself penniless. The feeling inside of me was just one big hunger for marijuana and cigarettes. The cravings were so bad I started selling my things – my computer games, my golf clubs; I even tried selling my hockey skates for a measly $10. I was really skinny, not taking good care of my health or my hygiene – all I cared about was getting high.

I looked in a newspaper and saw an ad for a moving company that offered to pay cash daily. The owner was badly in need of workers, so he called me the next day to offer me a job. My dad bought me a pack of smokes, gave me bus fare and off I went. Late into the shift I was craving so strongly I could barely function, so I faked an injury, collected my pay, and left the poor guy and his customers hanging while I went to my drug dealer to buy some weed and then hustled off home to smoke it.